A Smile A Day

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on their way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHHHHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”…

When the lodge meeting broke up, John confided to a friend. “Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!” “I’m glad to hear that” answered Mike. “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!”

Bertha and her husband were watching a very sad play – an old-fashioned melodrama about unrequited love in which one of the sweethearts commits suicide and the other is beset with tragedy after bitter tragedy. Before the first act was over every women in the theater was weeping. But Bertha’s husband was unmoved. “Ridiculous!” he snorted every few minutes. At one particular scene, as the heroine lay dying in her lover’s arms, and Bertha sobbed aloud, he actually laughed. Bertha turned to him. “Look,” she cried furiously through her tears, “if you don’t like the play why don’t you go home and at least let me enjoy myself!”…

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day. A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office. “I wanna report that I wash drunk last night,” he mumbled. “For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now! ”cried the doctor. “Yeah I know,” said the patient, “but I’m gonna report this tomorrow.”

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door. A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something. “I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely. “Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse you’re looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop in the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life, this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda. It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family. One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left. During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will. “I’ll prove it,” she boasted. “Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response. “Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing. “Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!” “No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who is boss in this house!”